Welcome!

Thanks for swinging by my humble blog about 20-something wedding planning, homemaking, and relationships. And cats.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

And one last post! Here's a link to the most awesome bride site ever, particularly a search for handfastings/hand-binding for inspiration.

http://offbeatbride.com/tag/handfasting

What's in a Cauldron?

One of my favorite things about my witchy activities is finding excuses to use my mortar and pestle and my cauldron. I love them. They make me feel witchy. I was not, however, willing to spend $30+ on Amazon.com for a cauldron that was 3" with a little pentacle on the side, cute as it was. It seems the bigger they get, the more expensive they get!

Then I discovered a secret....a cauldron is nothing more than a dutch oven cooking pot, cast iron and, most importantly, fireproof! Check out the prices per size anywhere you can purchase dutch ovens. I found mine at Cal Ranch, and I paid $12 plus tax for my 4.5" wide almost 3" deep desert dutch oven.

For example:

This 8qt, 20lb dutch oven for $58, versus this 7" $75 witchy cauldron.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00008GKDW/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B000JZZIKI&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0Z67Q8GVD3WS4H5QP8NY

http://www.amazon.com/Large-Pentagram-Cast-Iron-Cauldron/dp/B001BZKCVK/ref=sr_1_5?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1308862410&sr=1-5

Be sure to look around and use smart shopping and price comparisons-- the example above is really not all that extreme. The cauldrons marketed at pagans and witches are generally two to three times higher in price than a larger cast iron dutch oven, when both are good for spellwork and one even doubles as a cooking utensil, which is what cauldrons were used for back in the old days, don't forget.

Our First Midsummer

On June 21st, my almost-husband and I celebrated our first Midsummer as a family coven. We worked together to craft something that draws from both our faiths (my Wiccan-esque eclecticism and his Asatru) and was unique and meaningful. The most meaningful thing we did was the Oath Making. We passed a glass of Mike's Hard Lemonade (mostly because we aren't wine fans) and made promises to one another, promises to grow in our relationship and our spirituality, to learn from the past and move forward into our new life. We promised to love ourselves and always do our best for one another.

The Midsummer for us was a chance to take stock of our lives, to recognize what we have and what we have accomplished. As we head towards the darker, colder months, we must always remember that we have each other, that there is light and hope no matter how bleak things may seem. This was especially important to us this year, as we dealt with my being disowned by my family and the betrayal of a very dear old friend. We will move forward in honor, in truth, and in love despite the negativity. In Llewellyn's Sabbats Almanac this year there is a wonderful piece on the Norse gods, particularly Tyr and Sunna, and I definitely recommend reading it if you haven't already.

It was also a time for us to think of our plans for next Midsummer, the day we plan on wedding. It is fitting that the focus on preventing negativity comes during such an emotional time as wedding planning. I find myself worried and increasingly superficial about some details of the wedding business, and one my goals for the rest of the year is to conquer this. In a year, we will be husband and wife.

The Future Mrs T's Midsummer Potpourri Recipe:

The following recipe uses the term "parts" to mean whatever base measurement you want. For this measurement I used teaspoons. Note that you can burn this, and I did so in my little cauldron. They gave off a very nice scent, and not entirely potent. My whole house smelled wonderful for several hours after. Be sure to crush/bruise each ingredient with your mortar and pestle, and mix together afterward.

1 Part Chamomile (flowers preferably, but I used dried tea)
1 Part Rose (flowers, not oil)
2 Parts Lavender (bruise this so it gives off a stronger scent)
1 Part Mugwort

The Future Mrs T's Cleansing and Joy-Inducing Potpourri:

The following recipe uses the term "parts" to mean whatever base measurement you want. For this measurement I used teaspoons. Note that you can burn this, and I did so in my little cauldron. They gave off a very nice scent, and not entirely potent. My whole house smelled wonderful for several hours after. Be sure to crush/bruise each ingredient with your mortar and pestle, and mix together afterward.

1-2 Bay leaves
1 part cloves (don't use the oil if you can help it; clove oil is very expensive)
1 part chamomile (flowers preferably, but I used tea for this one too)
1/2 part basil
1 part Valerian (Valerian is very, very stinky, but the stink is washed out by the rose and lavender)
1 part rosemary

Blend all the ingredients together in an appropriately sized bowl, and then add to a small sachet or other little bag to store. Be sure to label what they are so you don't forget over time.

Wishing Stones:
In the afore mentioned Sabbats Almanac, they offered a great idea called wishing stones. You hold a stone, walk around the fire whispering your wish to the stone, and toss it into the fire. We plan on incorporating a version of this into our reception next year.


The next post to follow will be a crafty post, on how to make a miniature spellbook/Book of Shadows.

Don't forget to check out the Pagan Mom Blog and the 30 Days of Deity project. It's sure to be something really impressive!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

And in perfect timing to my post on hospitality, Mrs. B has posted this lovely piece on Hestia/Vesta:

http://www.confessionsofapagansoccermom.com/2011/06/domestic-witchery-hestia-101.html

Pay a visit

Pay a visit to
http://www.thepaganmomblog.com.

She will be running a guest post from different authors on her blog for the month of July. Yours truly has a piece on Odin.

Bless!

On Hospitality

From the Havamal:
I give you rede Loddf fnir--- heed it well!
You will use it if you learn it,
it will get you good if you understand it.
Do not abuse a guest--- or drive him out the door.
Instead do well for the wretched.

What led to this post was an encounter with an old friend a few evenings ago that prompted me to question the idea of hospitality. This old friend is staunch LDS, married to a sort of jack Mormon (a term they use to describe someone who doesn't always do as they are supposed to). She has children who are smart and quite cute. The old friend was never a person I'd consider a best friend but rather an enjoyable acquaintance. She liked to invite people from our old circle of friends to different little get-to-togethers and always wondered why I did not attend. I have told her many times before that as long as my ex (who once proposed to me and I had to decline) would be there, I would not. It is cruel and rude to subject my ex (still in love with me) to be in the same room as my future husband, and it would make me uncomfortable as well. I never meant it as a personal insult against her by any stretch.

This time, she wanted it to be only my fiancé and myself. We obliged and joined for the evening which turned out to be quite awkward. The color scheme of her home was mostly muted tans and creams, and the only picture I noticed in the living room was the typical portrait of Jesus, you know, the one all blonde and blue-eyed? This is where the hospitality issue comes in: not once did she ask if we wanted a drink or a place to sit. Not once did she ask how our lives had been going. She didn't walk us to the door when we left, nothing. It felt very awkward (which it never has before) and crowded. We lasted about an hour before we found a polite excuse to leave, and were forced to stumble in the dark through a minefield of garden hoses, tools, and toys.

I first wondered if this was a Mormon thing, or is hospitality is regional-culturally specific (northern vs. southern hospitality for example) so I took it to the Mormons. They say there is no religious motivation to be hospitable, which is not unique to Mormons. It seems as though it has a great deal with how one is raised, and this is reflective of modern society's emphasis on the self and one's personal needs. This is turn leads to the selfish sort of entitlement issues they seem to have, affecting everything from basic manners (notice no one says excuse me anymore, or how no one bothers to look before changing lanes?) to the deeper spiritual "manners" (i.e. tolerance and respect). Lack of hospitality, in my opinion, is equivalent to a lack of respect for your guests. One Mormon spoke of Martha, who, while a hospitable hostess, was not valued as much as her sister who was not a fair hostess, but was more devout. The Pagan (though this may not be a general Pagan sentiment) view is that hospitality is a way of showing one's devotion to one's religion, by respecting one's friends and family.

It seems as though people in general have different views of etiquette and what is hospitable and what is not. Few are motivated spiritually to show hospitality.

But what is hospitality?

Hospitality is about showing respect, appreciation, and friendship for your guests. It is about opening your home and allowing these guests to feel at home there. Just because an event is casual or with frequent visitors does not mean one can slack on host/ess duties. Hospitality is about creating a place where others feel welcomed and comfortable. It is about creating an extended family of people who care for one another.

Hospitality means more than simply showing respect for your guest and being a gracious hostess. Hospitality means showing respect and courtesy to everyone you meet. In these days where it is no longer safe to allow strangers into your home, hospitality has changed. It still shows that one recognizes that we belong to a community, and by treating others with kindness and respect we help foster a better community.

It took me some time to realize that my future husband and I truly live this virtue and pride ourselves on it. At first, we felt we were just being polite. Didn't everyone do this? At what point does simple courtesy become hospitality? Does it depend on how one is raised? I was always taught to take care of one's guests, regardless of the comfort level of the guest.
1. Ask the guest if you can take their coat/hat/purse, etc and offer them a seat.
2. See if they would like something to eat or drink. (If the guest is a close friend or someone who visits frequently it becomes a "help yourself to anything in the kitchen" sort of thing.)
3. If the evening is not already planned in advance, ask what they would like to do.
4. Ask about the guest's life, express genuine care and concern for the events in their lives.
5. When it is time to leave, escort the guest to the door (and if there is no porch light offer a flashlight), and thank them for the evening.

I have a small apartment, filled with too many books and too many cats, walls covered in art and photographs and color. My home is small, but many, many guests have told me how roomy it feels, how open everything is, and how welcome the atmosphere is. I have guests who simply like to come and enjoy my home, to sit at my polka-dot-covered table and enjoy a cup of tea in a pink cow mug. This is not true of so many other places I have visited. My hospitality has helped to create a space that feels warm and inviting, a place where they can come to have a little fun or just to vent about their day and feel better upon leaving.

I am only a pagan housewife, but in my home we strive to show our guests how we live our path, in graciousness and respect, even for those whose views differ from our own.
By extension hospitality affects how we treat others even outside our home: with respect, tolerance, courtesy, and understanding. We view hospitality as part of what it takes to be honorable people, and to show our respect for the gods.

But I have one snarky confession: It pissed me off she wouldn't pass the Rockband mic. She fancied herself a fine singer (she's so-so), and not to toot my own horn but I'm pretty damn amazing myself. Quite irritated by this. /end snark.

Clicky links:
http://odinsvolk.ca/O.V.A.%20-%20NNV.htm#Hospitality
http://www.wandererkindred.org/ninenoble.html
http://www.lds.net/forums/general-discussion/39912-hospitality.html

Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Pagan Bride: Dresses and Theme, Sneaky Weddings Ramblings

I am engaged to be married, and have been since March of this year. We wanted to choose a date with religious significance and wanted to choose a time when there wouldn't be five feet of snow. (This is Idaho, after all.) We chose the solstice, June 20, 2012 for the date. I got a head start on planning, and I've already got my dress on order. Then I started to research handfastings and started looking at the sorts of dresses other pagany, witchy, handfasting-type brides were wearing. I feel a little out of place.

This is my dress: http://api.ning.com/files/cFf8D80kB-rCVpch4PGrA22VyD6C4TaBKTYLhBRe2lpDFnLuCh*I4AlgL*XpHfKFfRO9OgVQY100ak5OoEl7KkAQKQIHwt85/weddingdress.jpg

At first glance, it appears fairly traditional (and as a member of offbeat bride I get to see lots of traditional and lots more nontraditional dresses). It's a ballgown, and it's cream. Mine will have a corset back as well as the corset-style front, and a big pink crinoline. It made me feel like a fairy queen, which works well for our Lord of the Rings/Arthurian "theme" wedding.

Many beautiful dresses I've seen pagan brides wearing for their handfastings are medieval or Renaissance inspired, with long bell sleeves and the little belts. They look like something Arwen would wear, like these:
http://www.bride1.com/gowns.php?gown_id=49&name=Katrina_Marie_Wedding_Gowns_&_Dresses
http://www.romanticgowns.com/collection/displayimage.asp?image=7614-front-b.jpg

Or they go for something gothic and neo-Victorian, or at the very least something colorful. I wonder why this is?

Not me, apparently. I dress in neo- or psuedo-Victorian clothing pretty much everyday. I wanted something different than the full skirts I already wear and love to wear. It feels different to me.

The theme really has little or nothing to do with my religion, even though fantasy and Ren-faire type themes are very popular among pagan brides (again, I wonder why). I choose it because of my love for history, for fantasy, and frankly because I wanted an excuse to wear a dreamy fairy dress. It just happens to "fit", and I'm thinking that the guests who don't know we're pagan won't see anything unusual about out ceremonies. They will only see the theme, and they'll see the handfasting and the gods as part of that theme.

On Sneaky Weddings and Possible Offense:

Recently on Offbreat Bride there was a discussion about on-the-sneak pagan weddings. The main issue was that the bride's husband, who she calls a pagan priest, will not come out of the closet yet still expects to conduct Wiccan rituals on the sneak for their wedding. One of her ideas was to trick the guests into participating in the creation of a Wiccan ritual circle by seating them in the form of the circle. This is trickery, and frankly it is offensive. No one should be cajoled, tricked, or forced into participating in a ritual by which they may be offended. She saw nothing wrong with this, and felt the circle itself was unimportant! She was convinced I was referring to the shape itself, not to the ritual aspects of her particular circle and purpose.

The fact is that simply having your guests in a circle is not offensive or trickery. But when that circle is serving a religious purpose (which in the Wiccan case is creating a sacred space in which to conduct ritual or spellwork) and involves calling the elements and other aspects of Wiccan ritual, it becomes more than a simple quirky seating choice and the guests are unwittingly donating of their personal energy to these magical act. I can think of a few people in my own life who would shit bats to find out they'd be involved in something like this. I equate it to someone taking your child to a Christian church to be baptized without your permission, or tricking you yourself into being baptized. It's disrespectful of your guests, in my opinion.

The girl brought up one interesting point. She said, "No matter what I do, I have my spirituality in it... making the big ceremonies and such a bit confusing and a headache for me, particularly when it comes to protocol with having other people there and sharing in it. For me its just life, and I don't know where to draw that line... Should I warn everyone who eats my food that I cook it with intent to heal and nourish both body and mind?"

In my opinion, simply giving someone something you have made in a magical way is different than expecting them to participate in the magical preparation of that thing, whether it is food or a necklace. This is a rather example, and one that shows she clearly does not understand the difference between participation and observation. There is a reason that the Wiccan ethics tell you not to cast spells on people without their permission- making them an amulet of protection could essentially be construed as a spell done on their behalf without their permission. It is still better than tricking them into helping you make that necklace while you concentrate on pouring magical energies into it. Pagans like this show a marked lack of respect for the feelings of others, and help to create bad stereotypes about us.

(See the full thread here: http://offbeatbride.ning.com/group/witchybrides/forum/topics/how-to-have-a-stealth-pagan)

There are ways to have subtle pagan touches to a handfasting or traditional wedding without needing to resort to trickery. A guest can appreciate the beauty of a bunch of lavender and yarrow without needing to know the spiritual significance of what you chose. You can burn and display this herb, and the guests never need participate in the ritual aspects of this- they are not burning or participating in the ritual; they are merely observing and watching. In fact, they'd probably appreciate a little bit of the folklore behind the things you are doing and using. The handfasting itself is NOT a pagan tradition. It has roots in pagan traditions, but handfastings have occurred world-over, and even Christians have used them (in Scotland they were a make-shift wedding until a priest could come make the thing official), and any reliable book or website will point this out. The handfasting is not inherently pagan, and even my staunch Catholic father had no issue, seeing reflected in my idea the Irish Knot-tying ceremony of his Catholic ancestry.

This is a good introduction to handfastings: http://www.handfasting.info/

Sometimes you have to hide your religion, and this is sad. However, there is a time and a place for everything, and a wedding is not the place to come out of the broom-closet, whether on purpose or accidentally. There are already heightened emotions, drama, and many people trying to get along in a small space. Do we really need to make these even worse than they have to be?

Please, having respect for your guests and do not trick them. If you cannot be open, be wise, be respectful, and everything will fall into place. The gods won't care that you didn't name them by name. Our gods are not gods of condemnation and judgment. They understand when things must be done, and the trick is to find that healthy balance between what you want and what can/should do.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Why Paganism and magical practices are not a quest for power…and how they are.

Disclaimer: In this article I seem to be using the terms paganism and witchcraft or magical system interchangeably. This is not meant to imply they are the same thing, but rather that in the mind of our opposition that they very much are. I do fully understand and recognize that not all witches are pagans, not all pagans are witches, etc. etc. The use of gender specific phrases such as "he" or "his" is entirely unintentional and used as a literary device, nothing more.

Many times in my research and dealings with those (principally Christians, but not limited to this group) accusations fly in regards to devil worship, problems with Christianity in the past, teen rebellion, and, my favorite, the desire for power. Many nice articles have been written as rebuttals to common attacks, but I choose to focus on power for the time being. This article focuses mainly on Wiccans and those who practices witchcraft or other magical traditions.

What is power?

pow·er/ˈpouər/
Noun: The ability to do something or act in a particular way, esp. as a faculty or quality.
(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/power)

This can be incredibly philosophical. Power is having strength, power is having the potential to exact that strength but not necessarily choosing to do so. Power means having the ability to act, to do something, but doesn't necessarily mean to use it (for good or ill). Often the quest for power is in reference to seeking control or dominance over others, but in a philosophical and political context, certainly not in a religious or spiritual one.

When Christians accuse pagans and witches of seeking after power, they show a marked lack of understanding for what both power and the pagan ways really are. They show a fear of political upset, of a shift in power from one where there is an ultimate, kingly, divine authority to one in which that authority is not so easily defined. For the Christian, his religion is one of supplication to his god. It is the relationship of an average citizen to a king, one in which the lines of power are clearly drawn.

Control
–verb (used with object)
1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/control)

In the Christian mind, when he or she accuses the pagan or witch of lusting after power, what he really means is control, in the negative sense, of seeking to use power to control or influence others. And in one sense they are right. Spells are often done to encourage peace between others, and sometimes to manipulate others. So yes, this accusation can be true. However, this is a superficial understanding. Magic is rarely the entire focus of a path, and in fact we are often encouraged to focus on mundane methods first before turning to magical ones. We are asking the divine, in whatever form we view it, to assist on our behalf. It is the same as a prayer, it is the same as smearing lamb's blood across a door to tell an angry god not to kill you.

Power and control often go hand in hand, both negatively and positively. Many Pagans will use both power and control in taking command of their own lives in recognizing their responsibility. Paganism is about responsibility, not controlling others.

Power in the Pagan context means recognizing that each action we take, each decision we make, has consequences. Power means that you must realize that you will face the consequences of what you choose. Power means having control over the self, of being able to stand up for oneself, of being able to choose between what is right and wrong in the individual's context.

Paganism itself is not a quest for power, no more than Christianity is a quest for a Ferrari and a megachurch. A religion or a philosophy cannot be blamed for one person's greed; Pagan religions are first and foremost about taking responsibility and recognizing the power already contained within, and recognizing the power we have to shape our lives based on the choices we make and the consequences of those choices. Just as we cannot assume that all witches are using magical forces for purposes of gaining control over others we cannot assume that all Christians are using religious forces to gain power and control over others, though politically it is the Christians who are attempting to do just that. I've always said it is the loud-mouthed minority that gives the rest of us a bad name. That is true of any religion, and even we pagans have our extremists.

Certainly someone, somewhere is indeed motivated by a drive for power, however they define it. It is unfair to assume that even the majority of those who walk a pagan path or practice a magical tradition such as witchcraft of being motivated solely by this quest.

Power and the Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll accusation: Connections Between Helplessness and the Need for Control

It is my opinion that those who level charges of power hunger at Wiccans and other pagans are doing so because of a misunderstanding of the differences between power and control. Many "ex-Wiccans" claim that the further they delved into magical practices the further downward their lives spiraled into a vicious cycle of unhealthy promiscuity and drug use. Many times they see Jesus as the figure who not only saves them from these dark roads and by extension, paganism. People, in this case Christians, fear their loss of self-control, and attribute it to their involvement with whatever stripe of occultism they found themselves in. This is a false connection, one not based on fact. In reality, drug use is symptomatic of other issues, often depression. They want to feel good, to feel better than they do right now, and they see drugs and sex as the vehicle to attain this feel-good sensation. During the weaker times in a person's life, he or she may find themselves turning to a drug in response to dissatisfaction from something in their lives. Religion, for many, is a drug. A fanatic will always be a fanatic regardless of what religion s/he claims to follow.

In a way one can see how the Christians are coming to their conclusion that Wicca and paganism are the same as these drugs, inducing a feel-good feeling and a sense of control over ones life. This is not the case. At the philosophical level, paganism is about self-control, of reaching within the self for control and for realization without the dependence on external mediums; real strength comes from within, not without. Wicca and paganism work on a paradigm built around self-control and self-actualization, something to which a drug can often be a shortcut.

Drug use itself is a touchy subject. I will state that I do not believe in drug use, nor have I ever used a drug (this excludes of course certain medical pills that were taken according to direction and never abused; I refused Vicodin after a surgery, for example, relying on Tylenol and meditation instead). I have seen far too many lives ruined by drug abuse (and I have been the victim of a drug-abuser in the past). My paganism encourages me to seek deep within myself for the control I seek. I become empowered with the knowledge that each action I take has meaning. While some spiritual paths do use mind-altering substances to assist in spiritual development, it is not even remotely universally encouraged by any pagan tradition.

To those Christians, and anyone really, that find Wicca at the same time they discover drugs and an inner rage at society or their families or whoever, Wicca becomes the cause and the symptom. They cannot separate the religion from their own weaknesses, and thus feel justified in leveling the charges they do against us.

Pay a visit to youtube and watch some ex-witch testimonies. They always begin with a rebellion, an anger against their god. They always descend into some form of alternative culture (rock, Goth, you name it), and from there into drugs. Often this is at the same time they are discovering Wicca and working with magical forces. Eventually they attribute it all to a rebellion against god, they get help, and they promptly become evangelical Christians.

While this is a subject worth far more consideration than I have space to do so here, I hope I have at least touched on the issue and encouraged a little critical thought. In summary, take away the following points:

1. Power and control are not synonymous and not always abused

2. Pagan religions encourage self-control and self-actualizatio, and positive expressions of the power we have over ourselves through our decision-making and acceptance of responsibility. We have no Satan to blame- only ourselves.

3. Christian accusations are bound up in fears and false understandings, and by trying to understand the source of these fears in a psychological rather than religious way we can find better ways of addressing their concerns and dispelling the misunderstandings and false connections.

Other sources:
The National Institute of Drug Abuse http://www.nida.nih.gov/pubs/teaching/Teaching6/Teaching3.html