On Hospitality

From the Havamal:
I give you rede Loddf fnir--- heed it well!
You will use it if you learn it,
it will get you good if you understand it.
Do not abuse a guest--- or drive him out the door.
Instead do well for the wretched.

What led to this post was an encounter with an old friend a few evenings ago that prompted me to question the idea of hospitality. This old friend is staunch LDS, married to a sort of jack Mormon (a term they use to describe someone who doesn't always do as they are supposed to). She has children who are smart and quite cute. The old friend was never a person I'd consider a best friend but rather an enjoyable acquaintance. She liked to invite people from our old circle of friends to different little get-to-togethers and always wondered why I did not attend. I have told her many times before that as long as my ex (who once proposed to me and I had to decline) would be there, I would not. It is cruel and rude to subject my ex (still in love with me) to be in the same room as my future husband, and it would make me uncomfortable as well. I never meant it as a personal insult against her by any stretch.

This time, she wanted it to be only my fiancé and myself. We obliged and joined for the evening which turned out to be quite awkward. The color scheme of her home was mostly muted tans and creams, and the only picture I noticed in the living room was the typical portrait of Jesus, you know, the one all blonde and blue-eyed? This is where the hospitality issue comes in: not once did she ask if we wanted a drink or a place to sit. Not once did she ask how our lives had been going. She didn't walk us to the door when we left, nothing. It felt very awkward (which it never has before) and crowded. We lasted about an hour before we found a polite excuse to leave, and were forced to stumble in the dark through a minefield of garden hoses, tools, and toys.

I first wondered if this was a Mormon thing, or is hospitality is regional-culturally specific (northern vs. southern hospitality for example) so I took it to the Mormons. They say there is no religious motivation to be hospitable, which is not unique to Mormons. It seems as though it has a great deal with how one is raised, and this is reflective of modern society's emphasis on the self and one's personal needs. This is turn leads to the selfish sort of entitlement issues they seem to have, affecting everything from basic manners (notice no one says excuse me anymore, or how no one bothers to look before changing lanes?) to the deeper spiritual "manners" (i.e. tolerance and respect). Lack of hospitality, in my opinion, is equivalent to a lack of respect for your guests. One Mormon spoke of Martha, who, while a hospitable hostess, was not valued as much as her sister who was not a fair hostess, but was more devout. The Pagan (though this may not be a general Pagan sentiment) view is that hospitality is a way of showing one's devotion to one's religion, by respecting one's friends and family.

It seems as though people in general have different views of etiquette and what is hospitable and what is not. Few are motivated spiritually to show hospitality.

But what is hospitality?

Hospitality is about showing respect, appreciation, and friendship for your guests. It is about opening your home and allowing these guests to feel at home there. Just because an event is casual or with frequent visitors does not mean one can slack on host/ess duties. Hospitality is about creating a place where others feel welcomed and comfortable. It is about creating an extended family of people who care for one another.

Hospitality means more than simply showing respect for your guest and being a gracious hostess. Hospitality means showing respect and courtesy to everyone you meet. In these days where it is no longer safe to allow strangers into your home, hospitality has changed. It still shows that one recognizes that we belong to a community, and by treating others with kindness and respect we help foster a better community.

It took me some time to realize that my future husband and I truly live this virtue and pride ourselves on it. At first, we felt we were just being polite. Didn't everyone do this? At what point does simple courtesy become hospitality? Does it depend on how one is raised? I was always taught to take care of one's guests, regardless of the comfort level of the guest.
1. Ask the guest if you can take their coat/hat/purse, etc and offer them a seat.
2. See if they would like something to eat or drink. (If the guest is a close friend or someone who visits frequently it becomes a "help yourself to anything in the kitchen" sort of thing.)
3. If the evening is not already planned in advance, ask what they would like to do.
4. Ask about the guest's life, express genuine care and concern for the events in their lives.
5. When it is time to leave, escort the guest to the door (and if there is no porch light offer a flashlight), and thank them for the evening.

I have a small apartment, filled with too many books and too many cats, walls covered in art and photographs and color. My home is small, but many, many guests have told me how roomy it feels, how open everything is, and how welcome the atmosphere is. I have guests who simply like to come and enjoy my home, to sit at my polka-dot-covered table and enjoy a cup of tea in a pink cow mug. This is not true of so many other places I have visited. My hospitality has helped to create a space that feels warm and inviting, a place where they can come to have a little fun or just to vent about their day and feel better upon leaving.

I am only a pagan housewife, but in my home we strive to show our guests how we live our path, in graciousness and respect, even for those whose views differ from our own.
By extension hospitality affects how we treat others even outside our home: with respect, tolerance, courtesy, and understanding. We view hospitality as part of what it takes to be honorable people, and to show our respect for the gods.

But I have one snarky confession: It pissed me off she wouldn't pass the Rockband mic. She fancied herself a fine singer (she's so-so), and not to toot my own horn but I'm pretty damn amazing myself. Quite irritated by this. /end snark.

Clicky links:
http://odinsvolk.ca/O.V.A.%20-%20NNV.htm#Hospitality
http://www.wandererkindred.org/ninenoble.html
http://www.lds.net/forums/general-discussion/39912-hospitality.html