The Pagan Bride: Dresses and Theme, Sneaky Weddings Ramblings

I am engaged to be married, and have been since March of this year. We wanted to choose a date with religious significance and wanted to choose a time when there wouldn't be five feet of snow. (This is Idaho, after all.) We chose the solstice, June 20, 2012 for the date. I got a head start on planning, and I've already got my dress on order. Then I started to research handfastings and started looking at the sorts of dresses other pagany, witchy, handfasting-type brides were wearing. I feel a little out of place.

This is my dress: http://api.ning.com/files/cFf8D80kB-rCVpch4PGrA22VyD6C4TaBKTYLhBRe2lpDFnLuCh*I4AlgL*XpHfKFfRO9OgVQY100ak5OoEl7KkAQKQIHwt85/weddingdress.jpg

At first glance, it appears fairly traditional (and as a member of offbeat bride I get to see lots of traditional and lots more nontraditional dresses). It's a ballgown, and it's cream. Mine will have a corset back as well as the corset-style front, and a big pink crinoline. It made me feel like a fairy queen, which works well for our Lord of the Rings/Arthurian "theme" wedding.

Many beautiful dresses I've seen pagan brides wearing for their handfastings are medieval or Renaissance inspired, with long bell sleeves and the little belts. They look like something Arwen would wear, like these:
http://www.bride1.com/gowns.php?gown_id=49&name=Katrina_Marie_Wedding_Gowns_&_Dresses
http://www.romanticgowns.com/collection/displayimage.asp?image=7614-front-b.jpg

Or they go for something gothic and neo-Victorian, or at the very least something colorful. I wonder why this is?

Not me, apparently. I dress in neo- or psuedo-Victorian clothing pretty much everyday. I wanted something different than the full skirts I already wear and love to wear. It feels different to me.

The theme really has little or nothing to do with my religion, even though fantasy and Ren-faire type themes are very popular among pagan brides (again, I wonder why). I choose it because of my love for history, for fantasy, and frankly because I wanted an excuse to wear a dreamy fairy dress. It just happens to "fit", and I'm thinking that the guests who don't know we're pagan won't see anything unusual about out ceremonies. They will only see the theme, and they'll see the handfasting and the gods as part of that theme.

On Sneaky Weddings and Possible Offense:

Recently on Offbreat Bride there was a discussion about on-the-sneak pagan weddings. The main issue was that the bride's husband, who she calls a pagan priest, will not come out of the closet yet still expects to conduct Wiccan rituals on the sneak for their wedding. One of her ideas was to trick the guests into participating in the creation of a Wiccan ritual circle by seating them in the form of the circle. This is trickery, and frankly it is offensive. No one should be cajoled, tricked, or forced into participating in a ritual by which they may be offended. She saw nothing wrong with this, and felt the circle itself was unimportant! She was convinced I was referring to the shape itself, not to the ritual aspects of her particular circle and purpose.

The fact is that simply having your guests in a circle is not offensive or trickery. But when that circle is serving a religious purpose (which in the Wiccan case is creating a sacred space in which to conduct ritual or spellwork) and involves calling the elements and other aspects of Wiccan ritual, it becomes more than a simple quirky seating choice and the guests are unwittingly donating of their personal energy to these magical act. I can think of a few people in my own life who would shit bats to find out they'd be involved in something like this. I equate it to someone taking your child to a Christian church to be baptized without your permission, or tricking you yourself into being baptized. It's disrespectful of your guests, in my opinion.

The girl brought up one interesting point. She said, "No matter what I do, I have my spirituality in it... making the big ceremonies and such a bit confusing and a headache for me, particularly when it comes to protocol with having other people there and sharing in it. For me its just life, and I don't know where to draw that line... Should I warn everyone who eats my food that I cook it with intent to heal and nourish both body and mind?"

In my opinion, simply giving someone something you have made in a magical way is different than expecting them to participate in the magical preparation of that thing, whether it is food or a necklace. This is a rather example, and one that shows she clearly does not understand the difference between participation and observation. There is a reason that the Wiccan ethics tell you not to cast spells on people without their permission- making them an amulet of protection could essentially be construed as a spell done on their behalf without their permission. It is still better than tricking them into helping you make that necklace while you concentrate on pouring magical energies into it. Pagans like this show a marked lack of respect for the feelings of others, and help to create bad stereotypes about us.

(See the full thread here: http://offbeatbride.ning.com/group/witchybrides/forum/topics/how-to-have-a-stealth-pagan)

There are ways to have subtle pagan touches to a handfasting or traditional wedding without needing to resort to trickery. A guest can appreciate the beauty of a bunch of lavender and yarrow without needing to know the spiritual significance of what you chose. You can burn and display this herb, and the guests never need participate in the ritual aspects of this- they are not burning or participating in the ritual; they are merely observing and watching. In fact, they'd probably appreciate a little bit of the folklore behind the things you are doing and using. The handfasting itself is NOT a pagan tradition. It has roots in pagan traditions, but handfastings have occurred world-over, and even Christians have used them (in Scotland they were a make-shift wedding until a priest could come make the thing official), and any reliable book or website will point this out. The handfasting is not inherently pagan, and even my staunch Catholic father had no issue, seeing reflected in my idea the Irish Knot-tying ceremony of his Catholic ancestry.

This is a good introduction to handfastings: http://www.handfasting.info/

Sometimes you have to hide your religion, and this is sad. However, there is a time and a place for everything, and a wedding is not the place to come out of the broom-closet, whether on purpose or accidentally. There are already heightened emotions, drama, and many people trying to get along in a small space. Do we really need to make these even worse than they have to be?

Please, having respect for your guests and do not trick them. If you cannot be open, be wise, be respectful, and everything will fall into place. The gods won't care that you didn't name them by name. Our gods are not gods of condemnation and judgment. They understand when things must be done, and the trick is to find that healthy balance between what you want and what can/should do.